Happily Ever Afters

For my last blog post, I'd like to talk about endings. If there is one thing that we are sure of in life, it is that all things must come to an end. Whether it has been around for eons or seconds, it will eventually cease to exist. For some, this is a hard truth to accept. Regardless of how this pill is swallowed though, it is the actual ending that I'm concerned with right now. More specifically, with the ending of stories.

So you're reading a book. It's a book of adventure, and thrill, and danger, and war. The protagonist of the story faces an uphill battle. As you read this book, this protagonist, miraculously continues to beat the odds. They continue to be victorious regardless of all the challenges they face. And then you get to the end. You see that all the "good people" have won, while all the "bad people" have been defeated.

This aggravates me greatly. By having a perfect end, the story's plausibility has decreased immensely. What are the odds of every single one of those people surviving throughout that entire battle? Or of that man and woman riding off into the sunset? If a woman left you, you would not write her a letter every single day for a year, and then proceed to build her a house!

I understand that stories are not supposed to be like real life, because they are supposed to be entertaining. We read, watch, and listen to stories because our lives are not entertaining. Without this extravagance, they would lose their appeal. But to me, what gives them an appeal is their legitimacy. By being realistic, I can buy into the story more, which, to me, makes it a lot better.

I'd rather sob over a book because one of my favourite characters didn't have a good ending, than have a sense of joy spoiled by ridiculousness. At least the one makes me feel something genuine.

So please, although we all strive for happiness and victory, fictitiously, try to make your triumphs realistic.

Thank you kindly!

Spoiler Alert

The beautiful thing about stories is their ability to provide a form of escapism. A good book or movie can make you feel like you are in a different world entirely. Part of what allows them to do this so well, is not only their ability to evoke empathy, but their ability to leave you on the edge of your seat, wondering what might happen next.

So you're in the middle of reading this wonderful book, or watching a great television show, and you are enjoying it immensely. You care about the characters more than if they were real people, and you're up until the wee hours of the morning waiting to see what happens next.

You tell a person your love for this story, and they too, having experienced it, agree. Knowing that they like it as much as you do, you can't help but like them a little more. That is, until they say something stupid like, "I can't believe she kills your favourite character in the next episode/chapter!"

Well congratulations. You are now the worst specimen to ever grace this rotten earth. Are you happy with yourself? I hope you are, because the chances of me ever sparing you a glance, much less a word, are slim to none. You are dead to me.

If you don't know where I am in the story, at least have to decency to ask. And if you still aren't sure, then shut your big fat trap! When you reveal what happens next, you've taken away one of the most magical parts of the story. What made it so desirable is now gone. That moment when you are completely at a loss for words, and can't believe what you just discovered, is a precious and wonderful gift. And you stole that. You are a thief. A killer of spirit.

There is a special place in hell for people who spoil stories. A special place for people who spoil stories and people who make pants with fake pockets.

So please, before you say anything about anything, or even breathe for that mater, think about what you are about to say. Regardless of the amount of relevance you think it has, talk to the person first. Do you they want to hear anything. Also, ask yourself, "Do I want to spend an eternity with the fake pocket people?". I highly doubt it.

Thank you kindly!

Mean What You Say

Throught the years, language goes through fads.. Words come in and out of style, and their meanings change depending on how they are currently being used. Although to be sick is to be ill, depending on who says it and how it is said, it can also mean to be cool. What can often happen with some of these words though, is that they become so over used, that their meaning becomes lost on their user.

Sometimes I think it is important to take a step back, and look at the words you are using. Do they accuratly express the meaning you are trying to convey? Here's an example.

You're talking to a friend. You are being told a story. They're telling you about a television show they watched the previous night or something. They recount their feelings upon seeing one of the main characters die. They say, "I was on the edge of my seat, thinking that surely, he couldn't be beheaded. But before I knew it, Ned's head was chopped off. I started to scream at the screen and I literally died!".

Did you really? Are you sure about that? You literally died?

lit·er·al·ly  (ltr--l)

adv.

1. In a literal manner; word for word

 

Seeing as you are currently living, and I am doubting my participation in an apocalyptic society brought on by the undead, I think I can safely assume that you are not literally dead. I understand that this character's beheading must have been quite traumatic to for you, but maybe you could think of a more appropriate way to describe your crushing sorrow. Perhaps in a manner that does not make you sound like a gossiping female teenie-bopper. 

 

Like I said, I realize that words come in and out of style, and not all of them accuralty express the message desired in relation to their definition, and for the most part I can live with that. I successfully endured months of people's "epicness" without strangling anybody, but I cannot seem to get past their being so "literal" all the time. There's something about it that makes me feel like I'm in some bad remake of Mean Girls.

 

So please, at least when around me, either mean what you say word for word, or do not say that you do.

 

Thank you kindly!

For The Love of Music

Throughout my life, the impact that music has had on me is very profound. Regardless of whether or not it has been as large a factor in yours or not, odds are that at some point or another, you have heard a song that  really moved you, got your feet tapping, reminded you of past times, or just cheered you up.

So you're on your computer one evening when you come across a band. Or you're talking to a friend, and they mention an artist you really like. Either way, you listen to some of their music, and you decide that you really like them. Next thing you know you're downloading a bunch of their music, or going to the library to take out their albums. And it's such a great feeling to discover new music that you really like.

And so being the great person that you are, you tell people about this great new music. There's nothing worse than a person who discovers something great, but refuses to share it. That's why when somebody asks you if you know of any good stuff, you do not hesitate to tell them. 

But then something happens. You go to tell a person about this new find of yours, and the joy that it has brought you. When you do though, you get a rather aggravating response. You are answered with, "What? You've only started listening to them now? Big deal! I've been listening to them for years now, ever since they first came out. 

Why do people say things like this? The period of time you've spent listening does not equal the severity of which you enjoy it. It doesn't make you a better fan. It just means that you've had the privilege of hearing of them sooner than others. And frankly, if you've been listening to them so much longer, and therefore enjoy them more, than why have you not had the decency of mentioning them prior to this date? If the only time you can mention an artist is when you are trying to one-up somebody, then how much of a fan can you really be?

So please, if some one comes to you and confides in you music that they've come to like, and you've heard of it already, then celebrate your mutual liking of a beautiful thing together. Do not try to belittle them or try to make yourself seem better, because you are not. Music is not a competition. It's a universal way of expression and has no winner or loser. 

Thank you kindly!

Say it Right

One of the things that make the English language so very difficult is the spelling and pronunciation of certain words. In a simple language, such as Spanish for example, whenever you see a vowel, you know how it's said. Your aeiou's will always sound the same. This is not the case with English though. In English, there is an 'uh' sound which any vowel can make. Commun-uh-cation. Is that an i? Is it an e? Nobody knows.

Not only can these cause problems with spelling, but also with reading. When you read a book, and come across a word that you are unsure of how to say, sometimes you will just come up with a way in which you think it is said. And so, you continue to read, pronouncing it one way in your head over and over again. And to you, that is the way the word is said.

But it's not.

One day you hear somebody talking, and they say your word. But it's not your word. They stressed the first syllable instead of the second, and they made the i sound like 'ee' instead of 'eye'. It's all so very wrong. That's clearly not the right way to say it. Not wanting to comment though, you let it slide.

But then a few weeks later, you hear another person say it wrong. Now you've got to ask yourself, "Are they all wrong, or am I just wrong?". You know that logically, it must be you that's wrong. And that's when you whole world shifts slightly. Everything you know is false.

And I get that. It's rather horrible to have to alter your views on life so drastically. I understand the pain of that. There is one case though which I do not understand. I will not sympathize with you if you mispronounce this word in such a aweful way. You have no excuse to say it.

Melk.

How hard can it really be to say the word 'milk'? I mean really! It's not some uncommon word that you've never heard before in your life. It's not a super long word that's easy to misspeak. It's not as though there's another word spelled like it that is pronounced as such. It's 'silk', not 'selk'.

What's even worse is that you have surely been told by now of how you are saying it in such a cringe inducing way. You must know that you are making people's ears bleed. And yet, you are selfish enough to continue on with your horrid ways. All because, like the rest of us have at some time or another, you do not wish to have your world shaken just a little. Well get over it.

You may be under the impression that it's just one of those words where it has become somewhat acceptable to say it differently. You know, like the whole tomato thing, but I assure you, it's really not.

So please, if you feel the sudden urge to blatantly utter words so incredibly falsely, don't.

Thank you kindly!

Know Your Stuff

As the great writer Mark Twain once said, "Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt". He was a fairly intelligent person. People ought to listen to him more often.

 You're having a conversation with someone, when it turns to a subject that you know well.  It's a topic you're very passionate about, or an event that you've experienced firsthand. Either way, you really do know what you're talking about.

And then the person with whom you are conversing makes a very idiotic comment. You politely then proceed to inform them of their incorrectness. But of course, being as foolish as they are apparently bound to be, they disagree with you. They try to tell you that they do indeed know best. You try to explain how you know that you're right, and expectantly, they continue to deny all sense and reason.

If you are going to argue a case, at least know what you are talking about. Do not sit there saying how World War 2 ended in 1957 to a history major. Do not tell an avid television show watcher about their favourite characters when you've only seen the pilot.

I mean really! Why do you feel the need to argue it? If you provide false information, and then are proven to be doing so, just admit you were wrong. There's no shame in admitting you've made a mistake. There is shame in fighting a war you've so clearly lost simply because you have too much pride.

So please, don't be that person that everybody wants to punch in the face. If you don't know what you're talking about, then just stop talking about it. Educate yourself on the matter first. Don't let your pride get in the way. It won't protect your cheek from the fist that will soon be flying at it.

Thank you kindly!

A Pain In My Eye

There is no specific scenario to which this situation applies. This can happen at absolutely any time. You could be writing an exam, giving birth, reading a book, or skydiving. In which case, let's just say you're about to diffuse a bomb. Make things more interesting.

So you find yourself in the overplayed dramatic situation where a bomb is counting down, about to explode. It come down to two different wires. If you cut the right one, thousands of people live to see another day. If you cut the wrong one, well, it's not like you'll have to hear about it later.

You only have 10 seconds left.

10....

9....

8....

7....

Suddenly, there's a stabbing pain in your eye. Your hand instinctively drops the wires and goes to your eye. That's it. It's all over. You get a split second to realize that the bomb went off and you are gone.

All because of an eyelash.

It had one job. ONE  job. All it had to do was keep things out of your eye so that you could carry on with your life-saving activities. But no. Instead of keeping these things out of your eye, it had to go and get itself in your eye. Really then, what is its use if it opposes its only purpose?

That's like a fireman going around setting buildings on fire. I'm pretty sure you'd get rid of him. But do we get rid of eyelashes? No! Instead, we consider them a thing of beauty. Women so badly want thick, dark eyelashes, that they paint them so. They glorify these serious offenders!

I don't know about you, but too many times have I found myself desperately clawing at my face, eyes red, painful, and swollen, because that useless hair is getting a little too cozy with my retina.

So please, eyelashes, if you can somehow here my plea, just do your job. I beg of you.  

Thank you kindly!

The Worst of Words

In life, there are some words you should never say. Actually, let me rephrase that. There is only one word you should not say. Every word has its purpose and right time to be said. Except one. There is one that ought to be banned from existence.

You should not utter this sound lest you wish to spend your afterlife withering in the most unpleasant of places in the underworld after a slow and painful death. In all likeliness, this is highly improbable. In my mind though, you might as well. To me, such places exist solely for these people, designers who think it's a good idea to make a pair of pants with fake pockets, and those mini-pop kids.

So you're talking to someone. Maybe they're a friend, family, co-worker, or even a complete stranger. Either way, you are conversing with them. And as you are carrying on with said conversation, the person to whom you are speaking with goes to say something. Before they can finish their thought though, they stop. And then they say it.

"Nevermind”

This is not okay.

You are not allowed to bring up a thought, or topic, or idea, and then take back what you've said. You must elaborate. You are not allowed to utter that dreaded thing. You've said it, so now say it!

If you only do this because you want attention, and for people to beg you to continue, then you have a serious problem. If the only way you can get attention is by inducing hatred, then you really ought to revaluate your life.

If you only do this because you want to seem all-knowing by withholding information, then ask yourself, "Do I really want to be in league with the fake pocket people?”. My guess is you don't. Everybody loathes them, and soon, everybody with loathe you.

So please, before you start to talk about something, be sure that you are willing to talk about it. There are no take backs. Not unless you want to pay a visit to Hades and spent the rest of eternity dragging a rock up a hill.

Thank you kindly!