Happily Ever Afters

For my last blog post, I'd like to talk about endings. If there is one thing that we are sure of in life, it is that all things must come to an end. Whether it has been around for eons or seconds, it will eventually cease to exist. For some, this is a hard truth to accept. Regardless of how this pill is swallowed though, it is the actual ending that I'm concerned with right now. More specifically, with the ending of stories.

So you're reading a book. It's a book of adventure, and thrill, and danger, and war. The protagonist of the story faces an uphill battle. As you read this book, this protagonist, miraculously continues to beat the odds. They continue to be victorious regardless of all the challenges they face. And then you get to the end. You see that all the "good people" have won, while all the "bad people" have been defeated.

This aggravates me greatly. By having a perfect end, the story's plausibility has decreased immensely. What are the odds of every single one of those people surviving throughout that entire battle? Or of that man and woman riding off into the sunset? If a woman left you, you would not write her a letter every single day for a year, and then proceed to build her a house!

I understand that stories are not supposed to be like real life, because they are supposed to be entertaining. We read, watch, and listen to stories because our lives are not entertaining. Without this extravagance, they would lose their appeal. But to me, what gives them an appeal is their legitimacy. By being realistic, I can buy into the story more, which, to me, makes it a lot better.

I'd rather sob over a book because one of my favourite characters didn't have a good ending, than have a sense of joy spoiled by ridiculousness. At least the one makes me feel something genuine.

So please, although we all strive for happiness and victory, fictitiously, try to make your triumphs realistic.

Thank you kindly!

Spoiler Alert

The beautiful thing about stories is their ability to provide a form of escapism. A good book or movie can make you feel like you are in a different world entirely. Part of what allows them to do this so well, is not only their ability to evoke empathy, but their ability to leave you on the edge of your seat, wondering what might happen next.

So you're in the middle of reading this wonderful book, or watching a great television show, and you are enjoying it immensely. You care about the characters more than if they were real people, and you're up until the wee hours of the morning waiting to see what happens next.

You tell a person your love for this story, and they too, having experienced it, agree. Knowing that they like it as much as you do, you can't help but like them a little more. That is, until they say something stupid like, "I can't believe she kills your favourite character in the next episode/chapter!"

Well congratulations. You are now the worst specimen to ever grace this rotten earth. Are you happy with yourself? I hope you are, because the chances of me ever sparing you a glance, much less a word, are slim to none. You are dead to me.

If you don't know where I am in the story, at least have to decency to ask. And if you still aren't sure, then shut your big fat trap! When you reveal what happens next, you've taken away one of the most magical parts of the story. What made it so desirable is now gone. That moment when you are completely at a loss for words, and can't believe what you just discovered, is a precious and wonderful gift. And you stole that. You are a thief. A killer of spirit.

There is a special place in hell for people who spoil stories. A special place for people who spoil stories and people who make pants with fake pockets.

So please, before you say anything about anything, or even breathe for that mater, think about what you are about to say. Regardless of the amount of relevance you think it has, talk to the person first. Do you they want to hear anything. Also, ask yourself, "Do I want to spend an eternity with the fake pocket people?". I highly doubt it.

Thank you kindly!

Mean What You Say

Throught the years, language goes through fads.. Words come in and out of style, and their meanings change depending on how they are currently being used. Although to be sick is to be ill, depending on who says it and how it is said, it can also mean to be cool. What can often happen with some of these words though, is that they become so over used, that their meaning becomes lost on their user.

Sometimes I think it is important to take a step back, and look at the words you are using. Do they accuratly express the meaning you are trying to convey? Here's an example.

You're talking to a friend. You are being told a story. They're telling you about a television show they watched the previous night or something. They recount their feelings upon seeing one of the main characters die. They say, "I was on the edge of my seat, thinking that surely, he couldn't be beheaded. But before I knew it, Ned's head was chopped off. I started to scream at the screen and I literally died!".

Did you really? Are you sure about that? You literally died?

lit·er·al·ly  (ltr--l)

adv.

1. In a literal manner; word for word

 

Seeing as you are currently living, and I am doubting my participation in an apocalyptic society brought on by the undead, I think I can safely assume that you are not literally dead. I understand that this character's beheading must have been quite traumatic to for you, but maybe you could think of a more appropriate way to describe your crushing sorrow. Perhaps in a manner that does not make you sound like a gossiping female teenie-bopper. 

 

Like I said, I realize that words come in and out of style, and not all of them accuralty express the message desired in relation to their definition, and for the most part I can live with that. I successfully endured months of people's "epicness" without strangling anybody, but I cannot seem to get past their being so "literal" all the time. There's something about it that makes me feel like I'm in some bad remake of Mean Girls.

 

So please, at least when around me, either mean what you say word for word, or do not say that you do.

 

Thank you kindly!

For The Love of Music

Throughout my life, the impact that music has had on me is very profound. Regardless of whether or not it has been as large a factor in yours or not, odds are that at some point or another, you have heard a song that  really moved you, got your feet tapping, reminded you of past times, or just cheered you up.

So you're on your computer one evening when you come across a band. Or you're talking to a friend, and they mention an artist you really like. Either way, you listen to some of their music, and you decide that you really like them. Next thing you know you're downloading a bunch of their music, or going to the library to take out their albums. And it's such a great feeling to discover new music that you really like.

And so being the great person that you are, you tell people about this great new music. There's nothing worse than a person who discovers something great, but refuses to share it. That's why when somebody asks you if you know of any good stuff, you do not hesitate to tell them. 

But then something happens. You go to tell a person about this new find of yours, and the joy that it has brought you. When you do though, you get a rather aggravating response. You are answered with, "What? You've only started listening to them now? Big deal! I've been listening to them for years now, ever since they first came out. 

Why do people say things like this? The period of time you've spent listening does not equal the severity of which you enjoy it. It doesn't make you a better fan. It just means that you've had the privilege of hearing of them sooner than others. And frankly, if you've been listening to them so much longer, and therefore enjoy them more, than why have you not had the decency of mentioning them prior to this date? If the only time you can mention an artist is when you are trying to one-up somebody, then how much of a fan can you really be?

So please, if some one comes to you and confides in you music that they've come to like, and you've heard of it already, then celebrate your mutual liking of a beautiful thing together. Do not try to belittle them or try to make yourself seem better, because you are not. Music is not a competition. It's a universal way of expression and has no winner or loser. 

Thank you kindly!

Say it Right

One of the things that make the English language so very difficult is the spelling and pronunciation of certain words. In a simple language, such as Spanish for example, whenever you see a vowel, you know how it's said. Your aeiou's will always sound the same. This is not the case with English though. In English, there is an 'uh' sound which any vowel can make. Commun-uh-cation. Is that an i? Is it an e? Nobody knows.

Not only can these cause problems with spelling, but also with reading. When you read a book, and come across a word that you are unsure of how to say, sometimes you will just come up with a way in which you think it is said. And so, you continue to read, pronouncing it one way in your head over and over again. And to you, that is the way the word is said.

But it's not.

One day you hear somebody talking, and they say your word. But it's not your word. They stressed the first syllable instead of the second, and they made the i sound like 'ee' instead of 'eye'. It's all so very wrong. That's clearly not the right way to say it. Not wanting to comment though, you let it slide.

But then a few weeks later, you hear another person say it wrong. Now you've got to ask yourself, "Are they all wrong, or am I just wrong?". You know that logically, it must be you that's wrong. And that's when you whole world shifts slightly. Everything you know is false.

And I get that. It's rather horrible to have to alter your views on life so drastically. I understand the pain of that. There is one case though which I do not understand. I will not sympathize with you if you mispronounce this word in such a aweful way. You have no excuse to say it.

Melk.

How hard can it really be to say the word 'milk'? I mean really! It's not some uncommon word that you've never heard before in your life. It's not a super long word that's easy to misspeak. It's not as though there's another word spelled like it that is pronounced as such. It's 'silk', not 'selk'.

What's even worse is that you have surely been told by now of how you are saying it in such a cringe inducing way. You must know that you are making people's ears bleed. And yet, you are selfish enough to continue on with your horrid ways. All because, like the rest of us have at some time or another, you do not wish to have your world shaken just a little. Well get over it.

You may be under the impression that it's just one of those words where it has become somewhat acceptable to say it differently. You know, like the whole tomato thing, but I assure you, it's really not.

So please, if you feel the sudden urge to blatantly utter words so incredibly falsely, don't.

Thank you kindly!

Know Your Stuff

As the great writer Mark Twain once said, "Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt". He was a fairly intelligent person. People ought to listen to him more often.

 You're having a conversation with someone, when it turns to a subject that you know well.  It's a topic you're very passionate about, or an event that you've experienced firsthand. Either way, you really do know what you're talking about.

And then the person with whom you are conversing makes a very idiotic comment. You politely then proceed to inform them of their incorrectness. But of course, being as foolish as they are apparently bound to be, they disagree with you. They try to tell you that they do indeed know best. You try to explain how you know that you're right, and expectantly, they continue to deny all sense and reason.

If you are going to argue a case, at least know what you are talking about. Do not sit there saying how World War 2 ended in 1957 to a history major. Do not tell an avid television show watcher about their favourite characters when you've only seen the pilot.

I mean really! Why do you feel the need to argue it? If you provide false information, and then are proven to be doing so, just admit you were wrong. There's no shame in admitting you've made a mistake. There is shame in fighting a war you've so clearly lost simply because you have too much pride.

So please, don't be that person that everybody wants to punch in the face. If you don't know what you're talking about, then just stop talking about it. Educate yourself on the matter first. Don't let your pride get in the way. It won't protect your cheek from the fist that will soon be flying at it.

Thank you kindly!

A Pain In My Eye

There is no specific scenario to which this situation applies. This can happen at absolutely any time. You could be writing an exam, giving birth, reading a book, or skydiving. In which case, let's just say you're about to diffuse a bomb. Make things more interesting.

So you find yourself in the overplayed dramatic situation where a bomb is counting down, about to explode. It come down to two different wires. If you cut the right one, thousands of people live to see another day. If you cut the wrong one, well, it's not like you'll have to hear about it later.

You only have 10 seconds left.

10....

9....

8....

7....

Suddenly, there's a stabbing pain in your eye. Your hand instinctively drops the wires and goes to your eye. That's it. It's all over. You get a split second to realize that the bomb went off and you are gone.

All because of an eyelash.

It had one job. ONE  job. All it had to do was keep things out of your eye so that you could carry on with your life-saving activities. But no. Instead of keeping these things out of your eye, it had to go and get itself in your eye. Really then, what is its use if it opposes its only purpose?

That's like a fireman going around setting buildings on fire. I'm pretty sure you'd get rid of him. But do we get rid of eyelashes? No! Instead, we consider them a thing of beauty. Women so badly want thick, dark eyelashes, that they paint them so. They glorify these serious offenders!

I don't know about you, but too many times have I found myself desperately clawing at my face, eyes red, painful, and swollen, because that useless hair is getting a little too cozy with my retina.

So please, eyelashes, if you can somehow here my plea, just do your job. I beg of you.  

Thank you kindly!

The Worst of Words

In life, there are some words you should never say. Actually, let me rephrase that. There is only one word you should not say. Every word has its purpose and right time to be said. Except one. There is one that ought to be banned from existence.

You should not utter this sound lest you wish to spend your afterlife withering in the most unpleasant of places in the underworld after a slow and painful death. In all likeliness, this is highly improbable. In my mind though, you might as well. To me, such places exist solely for these people, designers who think it's a good idea to make a pair of pants with fake pockets, and those mini-pop kids.

So you're talking to someone. Maybe they're a friend, family, co-worker, or even a complete stranger. Either way, you are conversing with them. And as you are carrying on with said conversation, the person to whom you are speaking with goes to say something. Before they can finish their thought though, they stop. And then they say it.

"Nevermind”

This is not okay.

You are not allowed to bring up a thought, or topic, or idea, and then take back what you've said. You must elaborate. You are not allowed to utter that dreaded thing. You've said it, so now say it!

If you only do this because you want attention, and for people to beg you to continue, then you have a serious problem. If the only way you can get attention is by inducing hatred, then you really ought to revaluate your life.

If you only do this because you want to seem all-knowing by withholding information, then ask yourself, "Do I really want to be in league with the fake pocket people?”. My guess is you don't. Everybody loathes them, and soon, everybody with loathe you.

So please, before you start to talk about something, be sure that you are willing to talk about it. There are no take backs. Not unless you want to pay a visit to Hades and spent the rest of eternity dragging a rock up a hill.

Thank you kindly!

Coughing Up a Room Full of Hate

At almost any given time during the year, you can be sure to hear someone say, "Oh you know, it's cold season". Much like any season other than winter here in Canada, the cold season isn't actually real. There are just always people who are sick. If it's not cold season, it's allergy season. If it's not allergy season, then it's that nasty bug going around.

No matter how hard you try, you will encounter people who are coughing, sneezing, or making that awful sniffing sound that indicates their preference of having mucus constantly dripping down the back of their throat while irritating everyone else around them over simply grabbing a tissue and getting it out of their nose already. This, however, you can deal with. As annoying as it may be at times, you're fairly used to it.

So, you're taking the bus home from school. Or you're standing in the grocery store checkout line. Or you're eating dinner our with the family. And then you hear or see somebody cough. Whatever, you're used to it. But then you notice what they aren't doing. They aren't covering their mouth. This you can't deal with.

You wonder, why on earth is this idiotic and inconsiderate lump of flesh called a human being incapable of performing the simple action of raising their elbow to their face? Why must they instead hack up a lung full of germs, that must be as vile as the person they come from, all over an innocent group of bystanders?

It's so awful that you can almost swear you can see the air leave them and permeate everything, as if it were dyed the most violent shade of gross, slightly green shaded, highlighter yellow. The exact colour of what their likely infected mucus would look like if they ever blew their nose. You can feel the back of your throat tighten slightly as you come close to retching.

Should you become ill, it is likely that you will become in the least, slightly miserable. This will grant you some sympathy. What it will not grant you is a free pass to spew that illness over whomever is fortunate enough not to have contract it also. If you choose to pursue this line of action regardless of every moral code that you must be aware that you are breaking, then anyone around you reserves the right to staunch the cough escaping you with a pillow, and then forcibly smother you with it. 

So please, if you feel the sudden urge to cough, it's okay. Just lift your arm and cover your mouth instead of being the next person on America's Most Wanted.

Thank you kindly!

Just Eat It

All of us, at some time or another, have had our hour of clumsiness. Whether we've tripped over our own feet, broken a dish, or burned our fingers on a pan we forgot was still hot, it happens to the best of us. This is why I'm fairly certain that at some point, you have either dropped a piece of food, or you have witnessed another who has. Sometimes this food is a Brussels sprout that you weren't going to eat in the first place. Sometimes though, this food is something that you were dearly looking forward to eating.

You're back in the third grade, and it's lunchtime. You take out the lunch your mom packed you this morning. You're eating and trading your food with your classmates. You take a bite of your bologna sandwich and look over to your right at the kid who's lucky enough to have a mom who puts smarties in his lunch.

As you look over, you see him fumble as he opens the package, and watch as a couple drop onto the floor. Still wanting to eat his smarties very badly, you here him utter the famous, "five second rule!" as he reaches down, scoops them up, and places them in his greedy mouth. Shouting this rule for some reason or another, negates his actions from being what would otherwise be considered disgusting. 

THIS MAKES NO SENSE!

When your food falls on the floor, it land on whatever it lands on, and those are the germs that get on it. It's not as if the there are little germs all around it that the second it falls, charge for it. And there is most definitely not some chief germ that upon hearing of your five second rule, commands, "No my brethren! You have heard the child! We must wait five seconds!". The whole concept is utterly ridiculous!

Furthermore, we all know that the rule changes according to both the desirability of the food, and how long it has been since it fell. If it is a particularly tasty morsel, then suddenly it is changed to the "twenty second rule" or even the "sixty second rule". How about the "no second rule". If you want to eat it, then go ahead and eat it. The world is unhealthily obsessed with germs as it is. 

So please, if you should ever drop a piece of food or something on the ground, do not call out how many seconds you have to retrieve it. Nobody cares. Just eat it. 

Thank you kindly!

Cut It Right The First Time

Being a person who lives in the great nation of Canada, I am one of the many people who get to enjoy the perks of drinking milk out of a bag. What are the perks you may ask? Truthfully, there are none. Should you be one of these fortunate people, it will not take much imagining on your part to understand what it is I am talking about. Should you drink your milk out of a jug like we crazy people up north ough to, then consider yourself lucky to not have to deal with what I am about to talk about.

So you are sitting around one evening, oh I don't know, studying for a math test the next morning or something. You decide that to help you with your studying, you will have a snack. You choose to eat some oreos. Why wouldn't you want to eat some oreos? They are delicious, you tell yourself, and the deliciousness will be a sort of reward for your hard work. Rewarding yourself will motivate you to work harder. Deep down you know this is a lie, but you convince yourself anyways.

You gather your cookies and sit back down to work when suddenly you realize something's missing. Your snack is not complete without a nice tall glass of cold, refreshing milk. Everybody knows this. So you make your way back to the kitchen, pull a glass out of the cupboard, and open the fridge to pull out a fresh new pitcher of milk.

You grab the handle to tip the contents into your glass. You quickly notice, however, that your glass is being filled at a snails pace. Somebody cut the hole in the milk bag ridiculously small. Of course by the time you've realized this and decided upon stopping and cutting the hole bigger, your glass is more than half full, and it would seem silly by this point to stop pouring. And so, you sit there for what feels like another ten minutes emptying the contents of the bag. It took so long that your arm now feels sore from holding it up.

You have your glass of milk now, which is fine and dandy, but you now face yourself with a new problem. What should you do about the milk bag? Having been through this numerous times before, you know that the dunce who caused this problem in the first place has left you with only two miserable options.

Your first option is to leave the bag as is. This tends to be the more tempting option for it allows you to forget about your problem, if only for a brief time. The problem with this though is that every time you go to get a drink of milk from here on out, you will be faced with this problem and making this decision all over again.

Your second option is to deal with the problem there and then and pull out the scissors and make the hole a bit bigger. This of course, is not necessarily the best option. Although you will never have to face this problem again with this bag of milk, you run a high chance of cutting the hole too big. If this happens, then every time you get a glass of milk, you have to be careful, for the slightest of tippings may cause an excess of liquid to pour forth. You don't want to be crying over spilled milk.

Whichever course you choose to take, you are doomed. So you begrudgingly take your milk back to where you are studying and eat your cookies with a frown. Your snack doesn't taste as good anymore, and you can't concentrate on studying for you are too busy trying not to go around your home asking who cut the milk bag so terribly. You know by now that that doesn't yield any positive results, for not a soul ever admits to doing so.

So please, I realize that slipping up when cutting the hole happens to the best of us, but please try to limit these happenings. Try really hard to get it right, and if you know you can't, do not try. Ask for assistance. You may sound silly, but it's better than what you would look like if you didn't.

Thank you kindly!

You'll Get There When You Get There

As I'm sure you have noticed, in your x amount of years of life, you spend a lot of said life waiting. Waiting for the doctor to call with your results, waiting for the water to boil, waiting for the bloody commercials to be over and for your show to come back on. You wait for your mom to stop nagging you about your messy room, and you wait in line at the coffee shop in the morning before you start your day. Although it sucks, waiting is a part of life, and you simply have to learn to be patient and wait it out.

One thing though that I cannot patient is when you're standing in that coffee shop line, or whatever line you happen to reside in, and the person behind you tells you to move up a bit. And you know what? No! I will not move up a bit! There's a reason whtI left that bit of room there, and it's because I do not need to smell what shampoo that guy used this morning, and I don't want him to have to feel my hot, sticky breath on the back of his neck like I am currently feeling yours. It's very creepy.

And frankly, what difference would it even make? Whether or not we take up an entire city block, or cram into the shop like a bunch of sardines, it will take as long as it will take and you will get there when you get there! The only difference is that now that you've not so politely told me to move with no good reason, there's a slightly higher chance of you getting smacked upside the head. So now you will get there at the exact same time, only with a lovely bump on that dense noggin of yours.

Please, regardless of how eager you are to get your morning coffee, don't be that annoying chump who tries to make everybody else physically uncomfortable just for the semblance of getting there sooner.

Thank you kindly!

The Status Report

For this post, I am going to assume that you have a Facebook account, seeing as it's is more likely that you do than it is likely that you don't. Should you not have one, just use your imagination a little, and I'm sure you will be able to empathize.

So you're sitting at home one day, lazing around, looking for something to do. Suffering from severe boredom, you log on to Facebook account, and search for any notifications. You have none. Just like when you checked five minutes earlier. You creep another one of your old friend's photos. You haven't talked in years, but they still look relatively the same. You've already looked over these photos before so that gets old fast.

You run out of profiles to look at, so you start scrolling down your news feed. Some person is now single. Mary what's-her-face just won a pig on Farmville. Your old camp cabin mate posted thirty-five photos of him and his friends eating a burrito. Fascinating. And then you see that that girl who sits two seats behind you in fourth period English made a status post. It says something like, "Off for a Timmie's run!". You realize it's a good thing she posted that. Whatever would you do if you didn't know that she was off to her local Tim Horton's?! However would you have lived?!

You continue to scroll and you realize how many people are making these mundane posts about everyday things that absolutely nobody needs to know, much less cares about. Are you going to start telling me every time you go to the bathroom too?! You suddenly find it a challenge to find one post about something that actually matters.

Wait! You found one! It's a good thing he made a post about abortion. For we all know, the best way to change a person's opinion on fetuses is to make your Facebook status about it! Because that never leads to a small group of people with polar opinions debating a political issue and getting nowhere really fast.

You soon come to realize that no matter how long you look, you won't find anything of interest (other than the odd humourous pun or cat picture). Worse though is when you realize that no matter how pointless this all is, you can't bring yourself to delete that account. And so, you go back to looking at pictures of that kid that you once knew that no longer has that bad over bite because he wore braces and now doesn't look half bad. Yeah, we all know that kid.

So next time you find yourself tempted to post about what cereal you ate for breakfast, ask yourself, "Does anybody actually care?".

Thank you kindly!

Get a Move On

You're walking down a corridor. Or a sidewalk. Or a hall. Or I don't know, the plank. It doesn't really matter where you're walking. What matters is that you have somewhere to go. You have somewhere to be. It's not that you don't want to slow down and smell the roses, you know, enjoy the little things that life has to offer. Unfortunately, this is just not the time and place, and sometimes you simply want to be on your merry way. You just want to get where it is you need to go.

But wait. You can't. Why is that you ask? Well, because there is a group or a person in front of you taking up the entire way and advancing at the pace of a severely injured snail moving an inch every dozen eons. And you can't be quite certain if they really are just incapable of seeing you constantly trying to politely bypass them without acting like a very angry bowling ball, but it sure does look like they are trying awfully hard not to notice it.

With increasing frustration, you decide it's time to properly assess the situation at hand. You have one of four options:

1. You can give up, and make the choice to stop caring about punctuality or where it is you would rather be. Slow down and make it the time and place to enjoy the scenery. (But let's face it; this really is the least likely decision).

2. You can continue to try and give subtle hints about your discomfort and anxiety, and pray that you are wrong about your suspicions of their blindness and deafness, and overall stupidity.

3. You can become vocal. Clear your throat, utter a small, "Excuse me", and if they are polite, or not actually deaf, then they may just finally clue in and give you the room to pass.

4. Should you be less of the auditory type, you can always resort to the old fashioned turn-slightly-sideways-and-push-through-with-your-shoulder way. This is considered to be one of the most effective methods (if said subject isn't the violent type), albeit being the slightly more rude of resolutions. Let's face it though, they've already wasted your time and energy, and you really just do not care anymore.

But when it comes down to it , it really doesn't matter which option you choose, because you are now a once pleasant, though somewhat hasty fellow, who is now filled with rage induced by a person who really just needs to learn to take a hint!

So if you're that person who just can't seem to get a move on, please, for the sake of the rest of the world's little remaining sanity, either kick it up a notch, or just let the innocent victim through.

Thank you kindly!

The Number One Rule of Book Borrowing

I'm fairly certain that there has been at least one point in time where you have owned a book. There's also a fairly good chance that at some point in your life, you've lent this book of yours to another person. Now when you let someone use a book of yours, or any belonging of yours for that matter, there's an understanding that your possession is to be returned to you in the condition in which it was given.

So you get your book back, and it's the exact same as when you gave it. Great, you have your book back in one piece, and your friend, or family member, or acquaintance or whoever got to read a beautifully written story and everybody is just peachy.

Except they aren't. Before you got your novel back, you noticed something. You were just passing by, minding your own business when suddenly you saw it. They were reading peacefully in their seat. They were absorbed in their text. They approached the end of the page. They raised their hand to flip it. And then it happened.

They licked their finger. They rubbed their disgusting digit along their saliva covered tongue, and used that same offensive finger to flip the page of your book. Your dear, beloved book now marred. And you ask yourself, "Why?” . Why on earth would they ever do such a blasphemous thing?

There is no conceivable reason as to why anything of the such should ever be done. The page was not difficult to turn. With the right angle and friction applied, it turns as easily as... well something that turns a lot! And it's not like it saved them any time either. They have to go to all the effort of licking that horrific finger. A person simply does not do that. You do not drool on another person's book. You ought not to drool on any book, but if you absolutely insist, then at least make sure it's your own god forsaken book!

Thank you kindly!

It Doesn't Matter

Have you ever had to listen to people argue? Although entertaining at times, it's usually quite unpleasant, right? Now add that to the fact that this discomfort you're feeling is caused by a discord over something that is really quite unimportant.

The only thing worse than listening to your two friends fight is listening to them fight over whether or not the colour of the ice cream scoop is fuchsia or coral. Who cares what colour it is?! All that matter is that the ice cream that you are starting to care about a lot more than your ridiculous friends is melting to the point that you will soon no longer need the scoop, but a straw.

Not only that, but should you choose to make any comment on how silly it all is, you risk the chance of having the wrath of both parties turned towards you, and getting no ice cream. All in all, it's a horribly frustrating position to be in, since you can't pick a side, you can't not pick a side, and most of all, you are stuck listening to a conversation that not only is aggravating, but that you truly do not care one single bit about to the point where you would rather drink your ice cream than be stuck there for one more second.

Should you ever find yourself arguing over colours, or what you think a person said, or which actor is better looking, by all means, go ahead, but speaking for all those slightly too loyal friends, please do not subject others to your discussion!

Thank you kindly!

Keep Your Mouth Shut

Seeing as you are reading this, it is fairly safe to assume that you are alive. It is then quite reasonable for me to think that unless you've spent your whole life consuming through a tube, that you have already eaten your fair share of meals.

Although it's not likely that all of those meals were absolutely delicious, I'm confident that there were a number of them you enjoyed, because food is good. In many ways eating is an experience, and often times, a nice one at that. And as much as we all like good food, what we don't need is to see someone else enjoying it.

I'm not talking about sharing a meal with friend as seeing them look pleased, I'm talking about literally seeing them physically enjoy it as their jaw moves up and down, making the sound of a horse trudging through gloopy mud. Having to see their molars turn that substance into wads of saliva infused mush.

Nobody needs to see that. If they did, your cheeks would be see-through, and we'd be able to see what's going on inside your big fat trap. But we can't because it's really disgusting, and we wouldn't be able to keep the food down, which would completely defeat the purpose of our eating in the first place.

Let's be honest here, if you chew like that because you sincerely just don't realize what you're doing, then just look around. The dirty looks that you get from anyone within a five days train ride should be enough of a hint. So should you find yourself at the receiving end of those looks, just close your mouth and stop acting like a cow, because you aren't one. You are a human being who is very capable of eating in a fashion that will not drive off any living creature within throwing distance.

Thank you kindly!